SEX TRIP 2: UTEN-shun!

“Manang, nganong moutog ang uten?” I ask with a straight face.

They respond with choked laughter, covering their faces in acute embarrassment and poking each other in the ribs. “Hala, si ser oi!” one nanay admonishes me. “Ngano lagi?” I persist. Still no answer. More hysterical giggles.

Typical reaction, I guess. Bad enough that the word is even mentioned, it is worse when it’s a man doing the asking. And it does sound even more vulgar in the vernacular. Penis or vagina is OK, I think. Dili kaayo hilas paminawon. Bird, flower, pototoy, or pekpek would also be less jarring alternatives. But when uten or bilat is used, people squirm.

So I ask them to repeat after me: uten! uten! uten! uten! bilat! bilat! bilat! bilat!
Get used to it, ladies.

Teaching mothers in far-flung villages the Mucus-Ovulation method of natural family planning is fun. It is even more fun when I start monitoring their charts where they record their entire menstrual cycle -- when they menstruate, when are their “dry” days, when are the “wet” days, is the “white mens” sticky? slippery? stretchy? I monitor 120 mothers in six villages every freaking month. That’s a hundred twenty different bilats and mucus secretions!

They record their observations daily using appropriate symbols. When they have sexual intercourse, they record the event by drawing a heart on the chart. I can’t help but grin stupidly when I see three or four consecutive hearts. Puwa kaayog hasang! Utog bitaw, saunz. I tell them: “Samana manang, oi. I-every other day lang beh!” and they would just cover their faces and giggle wickedly. Be that as it may, we determine from the chart the “safe” days to do “it” if they don’t want to get pregnant.

Sadly, pushing family planning programs in this country remain a challenge, with artificial methods being opposed by the Church every inch of the way. So we continue making babies. And perpetuating that vicious cycle of poverty.

We know of course that rapid population growth alone cannot explain poverty. Poverty is a complex phenomenon and many factors are responsible for it. Bad governance, high wealth and income inequality, weak economic growth are among the more obvious causes.

And we go on and on and on, like that Energizer ad.
85 million Filipinos.
40% below the poverty line.

Aaaaargh!!!


Mucus (sticky or stretchy?) --> Girls get it!